With this knife
by Smutty-puppy
Summary: Ok, if any of you have read My Saviour you will know that I sometimes have these lil depressive story ideas burst into my head, and they bother me and bother me, putting a creative block on anything else that I'm doing until I give up and get it out of my


Title: With this knife  
Author: Amie aka SmuttyPuppy  
Disclaimer: I own nothing but my sometimes twisted and always perverted imagination. And a whole lot of CD's that are my inspiration.  
Rating: NC-17  
Warning: Violence, cussing, character death,  
Summary: Ok, if any of you have read **My Saviour** you will know that I sometimes have these lil depressive story ideas burst into my head, and they bother me and bother me, putting a creative block on anything else that I'm doing until I give up and get it out of my system. This is another one of those Ideas. And if you have read my other one shot, then you will know that I don't edit or re-read these fics, because I simply write them just to free up my mind. It's not supposed to be some epic novel, and it's really just 19 pages of shit that I rambled out. The only check done was a spell check, so I'm sure there's some mistakes, like I said, I don't check, don't let that discourage you though. Please leave your honest opinions and you may flame me all you want. mwah  
Title Image: Thanks so much to my brother **Matius** for the awesome image! Love ya dude!

**With this knife**

The sun was beating down harshly, bathing everything it touched in an earthly glow. Being another typical summer's day in Newport, Orange County, the streets were filled with people moving at a leisurely pace, most of which were teenagers, dressed only in board shorts and bikinis.

Marissa Cooper drove steadily down the busy road, her mustang's hood glistening beautifully as the vehicle swerved from side to side, impatiently trying to dodge traffic. It was early on this Monday morning, but apparently the beach was the place to be, judging by the amount of cars on the road.

Honking the car's horn and muttering her annoyance, the brunette leant across the center console, quickly grabbing at her cell phone before once again accelerating into the slow crawl.

Marissa flipped her hair back, exposing her shoulder, before dialling a number and bringing the phone to her ear. Waiting, for what seemed like minutes, but in fact was only about ten seconds, the impatient girl began to drum her fingers idly on the steering wheel before her.

Finally, a voice answered.

"Hello?"

Marissa sat up straight and sighed, she had been longing to hear this girl's voice since she had left her apartment the night before.

"Hey Alex. How are you?"

"I'm fine Marissa, I was just", Marissa smiled widely as she heard the blonde yawning into the phone. "Wait, it's 10am. What the hell are you doing up?"

Her smile faltered for just a second, before she caught herself. She honked her horn again noisily and heard Alex groan her protest at the sound.

"I just got back from my doctor's appointment. Remember I told you about it last night?" Marissa was once again grinning as she remembered what had happened the previous evening.

After months of friendship, and confusion on Marissa's part, the two girls had spoken about these feelings that they had both kept hidden so well. They had talked for hours, each describing how difficult it was for them not to act on any urges they felt. How they had tried to keep themselves in check, when they shared heated glances, and accidental touches. The charged meeting at Alex's small beachside apartment had resulted in them finally giving into temptation, and they had kissed for the first time. And as Marissa sat in her unmoving car, drifting off into the memory, she recalled that it was the most perfect first kiss, any kiss even, that she had ever experienced.

It would appear that Alex was also reminiscing, because as Marissa waited for some kind of response from the sleepy girl, it seemed it wasn't coming anytime soon.

"Alex? Are you still there?" The girl asked, the smirk evident in her voice. 

"Huh?" Alex cleared her throat quickly, "Oh, yeah. To be completely honest, there is only one thing that happened last night that has been permanently etched in my mind".

Marissa laughed quietly, gaining another few yards in her journey forward, before being forced to stop once more.

"Yeah, about that, I wanted to know what you're doing today? Do you have to go to the Baitshop?" The tall girl bit down gently into her lip, hoping that Alex's day was free.

"Ummm, I do have some paperwork that I need to get sent out. Why? What did you have in mind?"

Marissa scowled a little, displeased that Alex might have to work. She readjusted the phone, mumbling a few profanities as it kept slipping from where she wanted it.

"Well, I was gonna ask if you wanted to do something? I thought we could spend the day together, get lunch, maybe rent a movie or, ugh, you know", Marissa furrowed her brows, annoyed with herself that she was too nervous to ask what she really wanted to. Inhaling a deep breath, she forced out "go on a date?"

The smile could be heard in Alex's reply. "I would love that Marissa, let me go straight to the club now, it should only take about twenty minutes to do the work. Why don't you meet me at my apartment in, let's say, forty five minutes?"

"That's perfect. I'll see you then Alex". Without waiting for a reply, Marissa closed the cell and threw it back onto the passenger seat. She sunk back into her chair and looked out over the ocean. It was gonna be one hell of a long day.

------------------------------------

Alex Kelly rushed around her small apartment in a daze. Ever since a certain lanky brunette had left her place last night, the blonde couldn't seem to wipe the goofy smile off of her face. Her features were bright as she briskly moved around the small space, stopping here and there to pick up and dispose of empty beer bottles and other random pieces of trash.

Her sparkling blue eyes fell upon a camera that was set on the small coffee table, next to the piece of equipment lay several Polaroid photographs. Marissa had brought the camera with her on her latest visit, claiming that she had just found it at home and thought that they could have some fun with it.

She dropped onto the couch, gently holding one of the pictures. It showed the two girls sitting close together, the brunette's head resting lazily on Alex's shoulder. Marissa's face showed contentment, whereas the blonde's held that same grin she was wearing now.

Putting the Polaroid down, she reached for the next one, her smile widening even further as she stared at it in awe.

_"And, I just had to let you know that Alex. I needed you to know that ever since the day I first saw you at the club, I ," she paused as a tear made it's way down her cheek. "I wanted you to know". Marissa trailed off, as she felt Alex's thumb move across her skin, effectively removing the salty track._

The two girl's stayed still, Alex's hand moving slightly to cup the taller girl's face. Staring deep into Marissa's glistening eyes, the blonde began to move in, the distance between them disintegrating. Alex kept her gaze on Marissa the whole time, and as she felt the girl before her start to tremble slightly and close her eyes, she did the same and finally brought their lips together.

Both girls let out a startled gasp at the first contact, and Marissa pulled away abruptly. She watched as Alex's expression changed to confusion, and her mouth began opening in an attempt to say something.

Marissa placed her index finger to the girl's lips, silencing her as she smiled wistfully.

"I never knew", she stated, before leaning in and pressing her lips to Alex's again. The kiss was slow, their mouths moving lazily together. The blonde brought her right hand up, and tangled it in Marissa's long silky hair.

Unbeknownst to Alex, Marissa had been reaching down into her lap, where the Polaroid camera lay discarded from earlier. They continued kissing, as Marissa stretched her arm out to the right, blindly pointing the camera in their direction. They pulled away, both breathless as a sudden flash illuminated their faces for a split second.

She traced her thumb gently over the photograph, noting the slight smile curving her lips. The couple were a little off center in the picture, but it was perfect in the blonde's eyes. Just like Marissa Cooper.

Dropping the small image back to the table, the teenager stood, and hurriedly went back to getting ready for her quick trip to the Baitshop.

------------------------------------

Marissa was feeling impatient again, she had finally finished her war against Newport's busy streets, and now found herself at the door of a small apartment.

Knocking for what must have been the twentieth time, she rocked backwards and forwards on her feet. Growling in frustration, she moved to sit on the few steps that led up to Alex's front door.

"C'mon Alex. There's not much time". The statement was almost inaudible, meant for the brunette's ears only, a hint of sadness tainting her whispered voice.

As she slipped into thought, she was startled when the door behind her suddenly swung open, an extremely wet Alex emerging wearing an apologetic expression.

"I am soooo sorry Marissa. I was in the shower. I didn't hear you". She ran her hand through her soaking hair, making a face when she felt water start dripping down onto her shirt.

"It's ok," Marissa laughed, taking the hand offered to her and standing. She wiped her hands on her jeans as she looked around. "So, wanna go inside?"

Alex nodded rapidly, her damp locks whipping around her face. Once again offering the stunning woman before her, her hand, the nervous girl pulled Marissa into the house.

As soon as they were inside, Marissa pinned the surprised blonde to the door, crashing their lips together. Alex's hands were resting on the brunette's hips, offering her support as she leant her body into the girl pressed against the wood. Marissa's palms were either side of Alex's head, trapping her in place as she feverously attacked her mouth.

Alex pulled away reluctantly, resting her forehead against Marissa's as she took in the sight before her. The taller girl had her eyes closed, her cheeks were slightly pink and her mouth was hanging open, taking in huge gulps of air.

"Not that I'm complaining, but what was that all about?" The older girl asked breathlessly, running a stray hand through Marissa's hair.

Hazel eyes met icy blue, as Marissa took a step back, suddenly embarrassed by her forcefulness. "I just really missed you", she answered honestly.

Alex grinned, "Well, I am very missable". She laughed as Marissa poked her in her stomach.

"Smartass", The brunette accused. She stepped forward again and took the blonde's hands in hers. "Are you ready to go out?"

"I was thinking," Alex started, as she played with the taller girl's hands, intertwining their fingers. "Why don't we just stay in today? We could relax, have a few.."

"No!" Marissa exclaimed before realising what she must of sounded like by the stunned look on the blonde's face. Taking a breath, she calmed herself down before continuing, "I mean, I have the whole day planned already." She gave Alex a wide smile, hoping to reassure the girl after her sudden outburst.

"Oh? Ok, no problem. In that case, where are we going?" Alex grinned again, and wrapped her arms around Marissa's waist.

"Well, firstly we are going to the beach. And you," she poked at Alex again, "are going to give me that surf lesson you've been promising".

"Oooh, Marissa Cooper in a bikini. How could I ever say no to that?" The blonde ducked and stuck out her tongue as the brunette went to playfully slap her head. "But first," she said, seriousness crossing her face. "I have to ask, are you my girlfriend? I mean, am I allowed to, you know," Alex scratched her head, looking at the floor. "Hold your hand? Hold you in my arms? Kiss you?" She watched expectantly as her question sunk into the girl in her arms.

Marissa's features turned dark for a second as she pondered the consequences of what could happen if she was intimate with Alex in public, but her eyes began to sparkle like they always seemed to when she was around the blonde. "I want to be your girlfriend Alex. And I want to let the world know that I'm with you, life goes by too quickly to waste the opportunity to be happy".

Alex looked confused for a moment, before brushing it off and kissing Marissa deeply. "Why don't you go get in the jeep, and I'll go get the boards?"

The brunette nodded and started for the exit, but turned around slightly and grabbed Alex, kissing her passionately before breaking away and walking out.

Alex stood for an instant, gawking at the door in which Marissa had just used. Shaking off her dizziness she ran to her room and grabbed two surfboards that were resting against the wall. 

-------------------------------------------

Alex came to a halt in the full parking lot, glancing at her passenger she jumped out of her seat and ran around to Marissa's side before the girl had a chance to exit.

Opening the door for her girl, she smiled broadly and offered her hand.

After taking it, Marissa exited the vehicle, and the two girls walked to the back seat where Alex pulled out one of the boards, handing it to the brunette. She then took the other and they joined hands once again and began the walk towards the extremely busy beach.

Marissa knew she should be nervous, there was a huge crowd, and the younger girl knew just from a fleeting look, that many students of Harbour were occupying the sandy coast.

But casting a sideways glance at her girlfriend, all fears were washed away. It wasn't worth it, the people that saw them, they meant nothing to her. Besides, there wasn't enough time for losers that had nothing better to do than taunt two girls for being in love.

Love. Marissa had never really considered love. She had uttered those words many times, to her father, her ex-boyfriend Luke, her best friend Summer. The most recent time she spoke about love, was when she was engaging in a rocky relationship with Ryan Atwood. He had come from another town, a rough place to be. Newport had almost immediately shunned Ryan when Sandy Cohen had brought him home to stay. But Marissa had felt an instant attraction.

Ryan's life seemed to be as out of control as Marissa felt a lot of the time, and it seemed that the boy from Chino could be an outlet for her to express her feelings. So they had started dating, and had been on and off since then.

It was actually through Ryan that the brunette met Alex. He was on a double date with Seth at the baitshop, he had been set up with the striking blonde, whereas Seth was there with Ryan's current girlfriend Lindsay.

As soon as Marissa had laid eyes on Alex Kelly, she knew that there was something about her. A presence that she had never encountered before. And even though her and Ryan were barely on speaking terms anymore, she would be forever grateful to him for that chance meeting with Alex.

But looking back on things now, the beautiful brunette realised that she never really understood "love", she was just going through the motions when she said it. There was no real intensity that she had been taught that love would bring.

But looking at Alex again, she was stunned into silence when she found the girl's blue eyes piercing into her own. This was love she realised, it came so easy with the blonde. Every time she touched her, or even just looked at her, it felt as if her heart would explode from the intensity. She was constantly rendered speechless, and for Marissa Cooper, social chair at Harbour High, nervousness and lack of being able to formulate full sentences was something unknown.

"Are you okay?", came a soft question.

Marissa looked out into the crowds for a split second, noticing a few people watching them with questioning eyes. They were standing halfway between the shore and the path away from the beach, close together, locked in an intense stare. The brunette grinned big, then placed a chaste kiss on Alex's surprised lips.

"Let's surf", she laughed. Alex watched dazed, as Marissa dropped her hands to the hem of her shirt, pulling it up and swiftly from her body. She was wearing a baby blue bikini top, and the blonde couldn't help but stare. Marissa pretended to pay no attention, as she quickly removed her jeans, exposing the bikini bottoms, before pulling on a pair of board shorts that Alex had brought with them for her to wear.

Shaking her head lightly, Alex started the quick task of changing. Because she had just exited the shower when Marissa had arrived, in her haste to answer the door she had thrown on the closest thing to her, which just so happened to be a pair of baggy black board shorts.

She winked at Marissa as she too peeled away the tight wife beater she was wearing, revealing her black bikini top. Marissa's jaw visibly dropped.

"I.. ugh, I don't think that I want to.. Ugh, go in the ocean anymore, I think I'll be quite content right here".

The blonde laughed at her girlfriend's stuttered remark, but soon looked serious as she felt hazel eyes burning a path over her skin.

"Baby, if you keep looking at me like that, we'll never get you surfing". Alex licked her lips, seriously contemplating ravaging the tall, half naked girl before her. "Ok let's go".

The girl's dumped their stuff in the sand, and Alex began showing Marissa the basic techniques of balance and what not. Figuring that it was safer and easier for the brunette to learn on land.

After about twenty minutes of practice, and some heavy making out every time the blonde wrapped her arms around her student to demonstrate something, Alex felt that they were ready to head out to the water.

Taking Marissa's hand, Alex began leading her to the shoreline. Without hesitation, the blonde walked in and waited for her girlfriend to join her.

Marissa stood just out of the waters reach, cautiously toeing at the damp sand. Looking up she was met with Alex's reassuring eyes, and once again, her fear faded away.

Alex showed Marissa how to paddle out and talked her through ducking under oncoming waves, as the first wave neared them Alex dived professionally underneath it and resurfaced on the other side. She waited for Marissa to come up next to her, and when she didn't immediately, the blonde became worried.

Just as she was about to duck beneath the water, a huge splash came from beside her and Alex was greeted by a sputtering Marissa.

"That was fun!" Marissa squealed, and Alex just laughed relieved.

They continued paddling out, Marissa seeming to master the art very quickly, and soon they came to calmer water where they could see a few other surfers sitting around on their boards, waiting for waves.

Alex straddled her board, and signalled for the brunette to do the same. They sat in silence for a few minutes, both at peace with each other and the ocean. Alex had always loved the ocean, she would come surfing when her mind was troubled. Just being out in a mass of clear blue water was always enough to ease her troubles.

Looking behind her, Alex saw what she perceived as a perfect wave for Marissa's first time. She quickly instructed Marissa on how to catch the wave and ride it out, and then sat back and watched anxiously as her girl paddled forcefully towards the beach.

The blonde held her breath as she saw Marissa prepare to stand, shaky legs rising until the girl was at her full height. She wobbled slightly, but quickly regained her balance, riding the wave for a good few seconds before she half fell, half dived off into the sea.

Alex took that as her signal, she swam to the spot that Marissa had hit the water hurriedly. Then waited for the brunette to resurface.

"I did it! Baby did you see? I totally did it!" Alex jumped slightly at the slurred excitement coming from behind her. She turned around to see Marissa attempting some kind of victory dance next to her board.

"I'm so proud of you". Alex stated honestly, gathering the girl up in her arms. Their bodies pressed together below the water, causing Marissa's laughter to suddenly die down. They watched each other for long moments before both leaning in, connecting their lips together.

----------------------------------------------------

The rest of the afternoon was spent surfing, and just sitting on the boards out in the ocean, talking and getting to know each other. Marissa wanted to know everything about Alex Kelly, and Alex sure as hell wanted to know Marissa.

After many wipe outs, and the brunette watching her girlfriend in amazement as she turned to the waves, the two girls found themselves laying together on a beach towel in the sand.

"What time is it?" Marissa asked tiredly, her head resting in her palm as her free hand ran up and down the blondes arm.

"Ummm, it's," Alex stretched over to look at the time on her cell phone, and Marissa shamelessly let her eyes wander over the blondes tanned and toned torso. "nearly six o'clock".

Marissa sprang to life, gathering all of their belongings as the other girl watched on confused.

"C'mon, we have to go".

-----------------------------------------------------

"Where are we going?" Alex asked again, she had been repeating the question over and over since they had left her apartment. Which Marissa had demanded that they go to first to shower and change.

Now they were driving down the streets in Marissa's mustang, and the blonde was totally clueless as to where they were headed.

"Baby, can we make a quick stop I have to…"

She was interrupted by Marissa's urgent reply.  
"No time Alex".

Alex decided to keep quiet, she had been baffled many times in the day by Marissa's sudden obsession with mentioning time.

Finally the mustang pulled onto a street that Alex found familiar, and as she tracked the route in her head, she realised that they had just taken a very long, twisted, journey that was leading to the Baitshop.

Choosing again to remain silent, the blonde laid her hand on top of the scowling brunette's thigh, gently massaging it through the jeans she was wearing. She watched lovingly as Marissa's face fell, the look of determination shifting to contentment.

Alex continued to look upon her girlfriend, she wondered what she had ever done in her life to deserve someone as amazing as Marissa. The other girl then turned in her seat, establishing eye contact with the thoughtful blonde.

"We're here". Her voice was so hushed that Alex almost didn't hear her. Leaning in, not being able to take it any longer, Marissa brought their lips together.

Her heart swelled even further as she heard a small whimper escape Alex, and it just served to confirm the tall girl's plans for the evening that mush further.

After they broke apart for air, Alex looked around at her surroundings, not surprised to see that they were parked in the empty lot outside the Baitshop.

She was surprised however that the mustang was the only car parked in the concrete space. The Baitshop was a very successful club, and even on Monday nights it should be busy.

She watched in curiosity as Marissa climbed out of the vehicle, standing in front of it and smirking at the blonde who was still sat, unmoving in the passenger seat.

Marissa brought her hand up to her chest, curling her index finger towards her, signalling that she wanted Alex to follow her. She did this a few times, before turning and strutting away out of Alex's sight, and into the club.

She took that as her cue to leave the car, and didn't hesitate for even a second as she rushed forward, following the path Marissa had just taken.

As she stepped into the eerily quiet club, Alex's curiosity reached it peak. She looked around confused, there didn't seem to be anyone here.

Walking slowly to the railing, the blonde peered over, to find her girlfriend standing in the middle of the dance floor. Beside her was a blanket, on which lay some objects that she couldn't quite identify from the height.

She smiled widely, and started to descend the stairs that would lead her to the brunette.

It was then that she realised the whole room was illuminated by hundreds of candles, placed strategically in all the right spots, giving the room a healthy glow.

As she took the last step, coming in contact with the dance floor, she felt something move beneath her foot. Stepping back, and looking at what she had crushed, she felt her grin widen at the rose petal where her shoe had been.

She looked back up to Marissa's nervous face, and began to walk along the trail of petals leading towards the shifting girl.

When she came in reaching distance, Alex took the brunette into her arms, her lips nuzzling into the skin of her neck.

"How?" She murmured, inhaling the scent of Marissa.

"I rented the place from Nat for the night, and Summer and Seth helped set everything up while we were at the beach. I wanted to bring you back, to where it all began for me. From the moment I first saw you Alex, I knew". She shifted nervously. "Dance with me?"

Alex could only nod as she watched Marissa pick up a remote control, aiming it somewhere in the distance, before the opening chords of Rachel Yamagata's, The Reason Why filled the otherwise silent club.

Marissa held out her hand to the blonde, and pulled her into her body. They looked into each other's eyes, Marissa's hands draped loosely around the blonde's neck, whilst Alex had her arms wrapped around the brunette's waist, idly playing with the back of her shirt.

"I knew too," Alex started, and continued when she saw the wonder on her girlfriend's face. "From the first time I saw you, I knew that I had to know you. I just never thought that we would be like this. I never even allowed myself to dream of being with you in this way, it would cause too much heartache. I can't believe you feel the same way as I do".

Marissa smiled, bringing her hand up to run through the blonde's hair. "Well I do, I always have. I was just too scared to tell you".

"You never have to be afraid of anything with me Marissa. I'll always be here for you, and I'll do anything in my power to keep you happy. Anything". Alex held onto Marissa just a little tighter after her declaration, she thought that maybe it would help the brunette believe her words.

They continued to dance in silence, until the song faded out, and they were left just holding each other. Marissa pulled back, and Alex noticed that her eyes were considerably darker than usual. Before she could comment, Marissa had captured her lips with her own in a smouldering kiss.

The blonde let out a groan, as she felt Marissa run her tongue along her lower lip, begging for access, which Alex willingly granted.

Their tongues duelled for dominance in a fiery battle, until Marissa seemed to retrieve a little of her self control, slowing the kiss into a leisurely pace.

She backed Alex up until they were standing on the blanket. Taking hold of her shoulders, she gently nudged the older girl, forcing her knees to bend and lower to the ground.

Continuing to kiss, they were both knelt before each other on the blanket. Marissa began to pull at Alex's shirt, causing the blonde to pull back. Struggling for breath she gasped out, "We don't have to do anything you're not ready for".

She was silenced of further protest by the brunette's lips returning to hers, and a mumbled "I know," in between kisses.

Marissa returned her hands to Alex's tank top, and as she once again started pulling at it, she wasn't stopped. Bringing it up and over her soon to be lover's raised arms, then crashing her lips down to Alex's awaiting mouth.

The blonde tore away from the kiss, dragging her lips down Marissa's jaw line, licking and nipping at the soft skin there before trailing her attention to her neck.

Marissa moaned loudly, grabbing the blonde by the sides of her face and reconnecting their mouths. After a few minutes, she placed hot kisses on various points of Alex's face, before lowering to her neck and sucking softly, knowing that she was leaving a mark.

As their passion rose, they hurriedly discarded the rest of their clothing, and soon Marissa was lowering herself on top of her girlfriend's naked body for the first time.

Both girls let out a startled breath at first contact, and as they began to kiss again, Marissa mumbled, "You're so beautiful Alex". The blonde could only whimper in response, as she felt Marissa start to explore her skin with her hands.

Their lips never left each other, as Marissa guided her hand over the soft curves of her lover's body. Muttering her appreciation anytime they paused for air.  
After what seemed like an eternal torture to Alex, Marissa allowed herself to enter the blonde.

Marissa was amazed at how good it felt to be intimate like this with Alex, and as she started a steady pace, thrusting slowly in and out of the girl below her, her hazel eyes stared at Alex's face, contorting with pleasure.

She didn't close her eyes, hell she wasn't even sure if she blinked. She wanted to make sure that this image was forever burned into her memory.

Alex's hips began to raise from the ground, and her blue eyes closed. Taking this as a sign, the brunette started to enter her lover faster, and added a second finger. She pushed a little harder and soon enough the blonde was squirming uncontrollably below her.

Marissa was transfixed, as Alex's eyes screwed tightly closed and she bit into her lower lip in attempts to stop the steady flow of moans and calling of Marissa's name.

As she felt her girlfriend start trembling, the brunette leant forward, resting her forehead against Alex's.

"I love you Alex", she whispered, not sure if the blonde would hear her.

Alex grunted, and then started arching her back wildly, calling out to Marissa. With one final drawn out moan, she relaxed back into Marissa's awaiting arms.

She was sleeping, the brunette noted. She wasn't offended, it actually made things easier.

Tracing Alex's features with her fingertips, careful not to wake the slumbering beauty, Marissa smiled longingly at the love of her young life. She wanted to remember every moment of this night, and so she caressed every contour of her lover's body as she slept peacefully, forever burning them into her heart.

------------------------------------

Marissa Cooper reached her step father's mansion at exactly 1:32 am. She sat for a few moments in her mustang, fighting the guilt of leaving Alex asleep at the Baitshop. But this was the way things had to be.

Moving slowly towards the huge house, the brunette looked to the sky, hoping for some kind of solution, but of course finding nothing but a beautiful blanket of stars.

After quietly entering her home, she made her way upstairs to her bedroom, extra quiet so that she woke no-one.

Once she was in the sanctuary of her bedroom, she wasted no time. After all, if there was anything that Marissa had learnt recently, there was never enough time.

She walked briskly to her desk, sliding open the top drawer. After moving a few objects aside, she took out an envelope. She had prepared it earlier, and was glad that things had gone to plan, otherwise she would have to of rewritten it. And time, as she said, was not on her side.

She turned the envelope over a few times in her hands, which she now realised were shaking violently.

Maybe this isn't the right thing to do. Alex had told her that there was no need to be afraid of anything, that she would help her. No, Marissa was too selfish to put herself through this.

With what little strength she had left, she crossed her room and placed the envelope on her pillow.

After the first task of the night was completed, Marissa looked to her bedside table. She gingerly fumbled with the flask now in her hands. Since Alex had come into her life, she no longer felt the need to drown her sorrows with the temporary mask that alcohol provided.

But tonight was different, she would need whatever she could to get her through this stage in her life. Unscrewing the cap, the brunette gulped down as much of the fiery liquid as she could handle. And after recovering from the burning sensation it caused, she downed more. Continuing this process until the flask was empty.

Throwing the small container to the floor, she walked to her closet, taking out her secret stash. It consisted of a large bottle of Vodka, and she quickly finished that off too.

Pleased that she had indulged in enough "anaesthetic", she stumbled towards the bathroom. Flicking on the light, she grimaced as pain shot through her eyes. She made her way to the mirror and stared at her reflection.

"You're pathetic", she accused. "You're just a fucking piece of shit". Her double seemed to mock her, and she sneered at it. "This wasn't supposed to happen", came her next meek statement. She watched as her eyes welled with unshed tears, and she fought hard to keep them from falling.

But she was fighting for a lost cause, and she snorted to herself as the tears burst forth. Placing her palms on the cool tiles, she allowed her head to fall forward. Crying softly for what, she didn't even know. She was too angry at whoever was controlling her life to care.

Looking up into the mirror once more, her eyebrows furrowed and her voice cracked as she tried to defend her thoughts to herself. "Why is this happening to me?"

The reflection laughed, and the brunette was now too drunk to consider that she herself had made the noise. As far as she was concerned, there was a twin Marissa, and she was standing before her, finding her situation quite humorous.

She swayed suddenly, making her realise that she was in fact very drunk.

"I better get this over with, before I pass out and forget", she inhaled sharply, pointing at the still smirking "twin".

"See ya around".

Discarding her clothes quickly, she then opened the drawer beneath the counter, taking out a small box. She fell to her knees beside the toilet and released the object from its prison.

The blade glistened as the sharpened edge caught the light, and for a second the crying girl became entranced by its beauty.

Smiling sadly, she held the shard firmly between her thumb and index finger. Lowering it to her left wrist, she prodded around gently, looking for the place that would do most damage with one cut. Not knowing if she would be able to continue after the first incision.

After finding what she supposed was a nice big vein, she touched the blade to the skin above it. Clenching her jaw, she dug through the skin. And before the pain had time to register on her brain, and she thought about what she was doing, Marissa took a deep breath, closing her eyes tightly as she dragged the blade up, tearing through the skin of her forearm up towards her elbow.

Surprisingly, it didn't hurt as much as she suspected it would have, it actually felt like some kind of tortuous release. And it's true what they say, cutting is addictive. Even though Marissa had slit one wrist in what she hoped was a fatal wound, she couldn't stop herself from quickly passing the razorblade over and doing the same to her right arm.

Her hazel eyes, red and puffy from the constant flow of tears watched transfixed as the blood seeped through her wounds. 

"There's supposed to be more blood", she whined to the empty room. Continuing to cut into her arms, she smiled as she finally saw a small pool of blood starting to form around her.

Suddenly Alex's face penetrated her thoughts, and without even really thinking what she was doing, the delirious girl began carving the letter A into her thigh. After finishing the work of art, which had now formed a disgustingly messy Alex Kelly scrawled into her flesh, Marissa finally allowed herself to stop fighting.

Collapsing forward into her own bloody puddle, she closed her eyes, "Alex" released as a quiet sigh.

--------------------------------

Alex awoke to the sun basking down on her exposed back from a small window on the opposite wall. She grinned at the memories of the previous night before stretching out her body.

As he arm fell back limply, she suddenly felt the empty space beside her. Turning on her side, she was greeted by nothingness. Confused, she stood up, wrapping the sheet around her naked body.

As she started to move around the empty club, looking for any clues of Marissa's exit, the main doors swung violently from their hinges. A small girl rushed down the stairs and clung to Alex.

"What the hell?" The blonde asked, desperately clinging to the only thing keeping her decent.

Taking a step back, Alex recognised the young woman as Summer Roberts, Marissa's best friend. She went to greet the dark haired girl, and ask what was going on, but Summer looked up into Alex's eyes and her expression rendered her speechless.

Summer's face was pale, and she had a combination of tears, mascara and eyeliner running down her pasty cheeks. She was shaking, and without thinking Alex gathered the sobbing girl back into her embrace.

"It's Coop", she mumbled, her fist grabbing at the sheet on the blonde's shoulder. Alex froze, and swallowed hard before asking.

"Summer? What's wrong?" Alex could already feel her stomach churning, something was very wrong, she could sense it already. She doubted she would like the answer she was about to get, but knew that she had to ask all the same.

"Marissa", Summer let out another strangled sob, her body wracking harder against the taller girl. "Marissa's dead Alex".

Alex stepped back from Summer, her fists clenching at her sides, the sheet barely hanging to her body.

"No", she began, her eyes brimming with tears.

The shorter girl looked up with sympathy. Managing to mumble out, "I'm sorry I had to be the one to tell you. I can't stay here, I can't be anywhere right now. Oh god, why did she do this?" Alex forced her gaze back to Summer's dark eyes, "She ugh, she left this in her room. Julie found it before she found Marissa. I'm sorry Alex".

With that Summer stepped forward, pressing a white crumpled envelope to Alex's chest. Alex blindly reached up and took it, watching as Summer stormed back out of the club.

Alex couldn't move, she just stood there, too shocked out of her mind to react. Was this some kind of cruel game? What the hell was going on? Marissa wasn't dead. She couldn't be.

Denial had always been a strong trait of the Kelly family, and together with stubbornness, well, when Alex didn't want to believe something, it pretty much wasn't true.

She stumbled back towards the makeshift bed, falling into a sitting position. She pulled her legs to her chest and just stared at the letter for a long time, finally mustering the courage to open it.

Scanning the rushed handwriting, blue eyes filled with fresh tears and Alex brought her left hand to her mouth, covering up the sobs that were now taking over her nauseas frame.

_Alex,_

I know that by the time you read this, I will already be gone. And I know right now that you probably hate me. I would completely understand if you did hate me, because I'm selfish Alex. I always have been. Everyone has always told me that I only do what matters to me, and that was true, until I met you.

You showed me another side to life Alex, god, you showed me so much. I never knew happiness until you came into my life. I never knew that a smile could reach the eyes, or that just one bought of laughter could brighten anyone's mood. Until I met you, I was just going through the motions of life, performing all of these mundane things. Nothing mattering, no-one really noticing.

I have to tell you Alex, you have changed me so much, I can now define myself because of you. Everything that I am, is because of your influence on my life. And I know that I'm gone now, and that this is just going to sound stupid, but I will never forget what you have done for me. And my friends will remember that I was how I've been over these past few months only because of you. You made me whole, cheesy I know but so true.

I know that you have questions, and I really wish that I could answer them, but unfortunately I can't and neither can anyone else because I have kept this secret with me. Not that it's a secret really, this was all really rushed actually. I can answer one question for you though, and that is why. Why would I kill myself? God it's so weird to say that I'm going to commit suicide.

So, why would I. Ok, well firstly as I write this, it's 9:30 am, I've just got home from my doctor's appointment. I mentioned it to you Sunday remember, and I just passed it off as no big deal, because I honestly thought it was no big deal.

I have cancer Alex. It's so disgusting for me to even write. The doctor told me that I started with a treatable form, but because I was never examined, and therefore the cancer wasn't discovered, it's spread out of control. I don't even really know the details, all I heard was cancer repeated over and over in my head. I was paying enough attention though, when he diagnosed me fully and gave me six months to live maximum.

Six months Alex, how could I live six months of my life? Six months with you, blissful months I bet, but how could I spend that time with you, and know that I was gonna have to give it all away?

How could I tell my friends that I was gonna be dead after six months? I couldn't do it. I can't do it. That's why I have to end things tonight. I can't bare the thought of living, knowing that after such a short space of time everything's going to be taken away from me.

Time, that's another thing that's bothering me. I love you Alex, I hope I at least had the courage to let you know that last night. I love you, and things weren't supposed to end this way. We weren't given enough time baby, we were robbed of what was owed to us. I wanted to spend the whole summer with you, laying in your arms, laughing with you, making love to you. I wanted us to move in together, and someday get married. Hell, I even wanted children with you. And now I'm sitting here, thinking off this life that I'll never experience with you, and my heart's bleeding, and I know that you're hurting too now, all because of me and my selfish ways. I am so sorry Alex. I wish things were different, I wish that I had your strength, I wish I could fight this, for us, for you. But I can't, and I'm sorry for that.

It's funny you know, after all the ways I saw my life working out, I never expected to overdose in Mexico, I would've never thought that I would be taking part in a lesbian relationship with a gorgeous woman I had come to love, but those things don't come close to this. I'm not supposed to die at seventeen years old, I was supposed to grow old with you, and die in your arms.

I wish that you could be here for me tonight, but I would never put you through that, and you'll be with me in my heart anyways.

My one wish for life, was to spend as much time as I could with you. When I'm with you I am completely comfortable, and can just be myself. That's why I chose to spend my last day only with you. I apologise for anything that I may have said or done that made you doubt my sanity, I just had to make sure that everything went according to plan without you becoming suspicious. I can tell you now, that I know last night was perfect. If everything that I wanted happened, then I died the happiest girl in the world.

I have imagined making love to you hundreds of times, and I know without any doubt that it would have been beautiful, I just wish that I could worship your gorgeous body more often.

As for me, I die untouched in that sense, but that's fine, because I know that I was completely yours in every sense of the word.

Please don't hold my decision against me Alex, I did what I thought was right. And baby, please don't hold onto me, don't let me hold you down, because I'm not worth it. You are such an amazing person, and I want you to continue on in your life, and I hope that you find someone that can make you as happy as you have made me.

Just please Alex, never forget me, because I swear to you, that even in death, I will cherish the time we spent together.

I'm rambling on now, but I just can't stop writing, I have so much to say, and knowing that this is the last contact you will have with me, I don't know, I just can't stop writing.

Baby, I'm so scared. I don't want to do this but it's the only way right? I wish I could talk to you about this, I'm going out of my mind, but I can't pull you into my problems.

I should stop, I'm coming to meet you soon, and I am determined to enjoy my last day on this earth. And considering I am spending the day with you, I think its easy to say, I'll be having the best day of my life.

Also, I know this is going to be hard for you, but can you tell my mom that I want to be buried with the heart pendant you gave to me? I will never take it off. And don't come to see my body, I don't want your memory of me to be tainted by the sight of that coward, I want you to remember me as I was with you. Happy.

I love you Alex Kelly, I think I always have, and I certainly always will. I can't apologise enough for the hurt I've inflicted on you. I'm so sorry baby.

I still don't want to stop writing, I could go on forever, but I'll stop. But I'll never let go.

All my eternal love,  
Yours,  
Marissa Cooper

**THE END**


End file.
